Chapter 38: The Explosive Bootlicker Hu
The wooden fence facing the mountain forest had been torn apart—iron bars as thick as a little finger had been bitten clean through, several of them snapped like brittle twigs.
A massive figure, the size of a millstone, lay sprawled across the grassy courtyard!
Old Turtle panted heavily, his heart surging with rage.
[Curse that wretched scoundrel! I, Old Turtle, have toiled through countless days and nights to make it here at last!]
[And now, let me see—who dares to wield sorcery so recklessly, plundering the mountain’s vital energy, and thwarting my grand path of cultivation?!]
[If I don’t give them a proper lesson, how will I ever swallow this grievance?]
Suddenly, the house door swung open, and a figure streaked through the air like a gust of wind.
“Hmph! You’ve finally shown yourself!” Old Turtle’s spirits lifted. He roared, “You shameless wretch!”
The figure closed the distance in an instant!
Old Turtle’s heart seized in terror. As a spirit beast of Daoist attainment, his natural Qi Observing Technique granted him insight into an opponent’s essence. Yet, before him now, this person’s entire being rippled with a Qi force vast as the ocean—endless and overwhelming!
Under such crushing might, Old Turtle’s breath hitched. Before he could even utter a word, a delicate yet sharp voice cut through the air.
“You’re the shameless wretch!”
It was Miss Gu!
Her face was like a winter frost, cold and unyielding. Without hesitation, she lashed out with a swift kick!
Buzz!
Old Turtle’s ears rang. A mighty force crashed into him—he let out a strangled yelp as his millstone-sized body was sent soaring, flipping through the air seven or eight times before finally slamming into the Spirit-Gathering Formation’s stone slabs at the courtyard’s edge.
The green stones shattered instantly.
Old Turtle’s massive body wedged itself in the debris, pain lancing through his being. His internal organs twisted, his vision blurred, and his spiritual energy churned wildly. Even his Dantian’s energy pool nearly scattered from the impact!
He could barely gasp for breath before a shadow loomed over him. A pristine white sneaker stepped firmly onto his shell.
Old Turtle instantly felt as if a mighty mountain had descended upon him!
“Ah—!!” he howled in misery. His limbs went limp, pressed firmly into the dirt, unable to move an inch.
Miss Gu’s eyes gleamed like lightning as she peered down at him, yet her voice was still as sweet as a gentle spring breeze. “Say that again if you dare?”
Old Turtle blinked his bleary eyes, finally getting a good look at the girl before him. In that moment, his soul nearly fled from his body.
[He-Heavenly Mortal Realm?!]
All traces of defiance crumbled. His four limbs and head instantly retracted into his shell as he let out a desperate wail, “Mercy, O Celestial One!”
Miss Gu snorted and withdrew the foot she had poised for another kick.
Still trembling inside his shell, Old Turtle mustered all the strength in his being and cried out, “Mighty Immortal! This lowly turtle has been blind and foolish! I have offended you in my ignorance—please, I beg your mercy! I am but a humble cultivator struggling on the path, my hardships immeasurable—spare me this once!”
With that, his two front limbs emerged, pressing together in a desperate, trembling salute.
Miss Gu frowned. “Are you the guardian spirit beast of this house?”
“Hm?”
Old Turtle’s mind spun as he rapidly calculated his options. He immediately raised his voice, “No, no! Absolutely not! I—I am but a wandering cultivator of these mountains!”
Miss Gu’s eyes flickered. “Not a guardian spirit, then? So why were you cursing me just now?”
“I—I—I…” Old Turtle hesitated, his head still peeking out from his shell as he darted his eyes about.
[How should I explain this?!]
[If I say I came looking for trouble and she turns out to be the homeowner’s friend, won’t I get another thrashing?]
[But if I lie and say I’m a friend of the owner…]
Yes!
“I—I am the neighbor of this household!” Old Turtle declared loudly. “Yes, that’s right! I usually cultivate deep in the mountains, but I share a close relationship with the owner of this place. We have frequent dealings—we’re all family here, all family!”
Miss Gu’s expression darkened. “A friend of the Chen Family? Close ties? Frequent dealings? If you keep company with Chen Family scoundrels, you can’t be much better yourself!”
Crack!
Another stomp pressed him deeper into the dirt.
Old Turtle’s vision darkened, his spiritual energy scattering once more. He nearly coughed up blood.
Yet, amidst his panic, his mind worked swiftly.
[She called the house’s owner a scoundrel… so she must be an enemy of the Chen Family!]
[That’s it! She’s their foe!]
Realizing this, Old Turtle frantically corrected himself. “N-no! I misspoke! I misspoke! I am not their friend!”
“I—I am actually their creditor!” he exclaimed, his voice cracking with urgency. “Yes! The master of this house is utterly shameless! I—I came here to collect a debt!”
[That should please her, right?]
Yet, to his utter horror, Miss Gu’s face darkened even further. Though she despised the Chen Family, they were still her future in-laws!
“Insolent wretch! No matter how vile they may be, only I have the right to curse them! With your pitiful cultivation, you dare speak against them? You deserve a beating!”
Another kick!
Old Turtle wailed as his massive body sank further into the earth, barely able to breathe.
Inside his mind, he cursed furiously.
[What the hell?!]
[Praising them was wrong? Cursing them was wrong?!]
[Is being a Celestial all about bullying others?!]
·
After three consecutive stomps, Old Turtle had been driven nearly half a meter into the ground. His breath came in faint gasps, and he was on the verge of passing out.
Only then did Miss Gu step back, her gaze cold as she regarded him. “Don’t play dead. You’ve already reached the Shapeshifting Realm of Demonic Cultivation—my kicks were merely a lesson. They won’t kill you. Get up and answer properly.”
Old Turtle whimpered as he struggled out of the crater, his voice weak and pitiful.
Miss Gu eyed him with disdain before wrinkling her nose. “I find your turtle form unpleasant. Transform into human shape before we continue.”
“Immortal one, you may not know this, but I, this humble turtle cultivator, am about to undergo the Heavenly Tribulation that befalls me once every hundred years. During this period, I must not use any mystical arts, lest I provoke the wrath of Heaven’s Will. I was just about to—”
The young woman cast an icy gaze upon him, cutting his words short. “I shall likely reside here for quite some time, and I find myself in need of a servant for menial tasks. Since you are already here, you may as well assume the role. Your sluggish turtle form—do you intend to creep along at such a pace even when working? Transform. Now.
“As for your so-called tribulation, with me here, what have you to fear?”
“What?”
In that instant, the old turtle felt as though the heavens had turned him into a mere pawn. Yet, deep within his heart, a flicker of delight arose.
[I, your grand-uncle… have been recruited by a Celestial Realm master?!]
Without hesitation, the old turtle stretched his head forward, his voice trembling with excitement. “Many thanks, Immortal one, for this great fortune!”
With that, he took a deep breath toward the mountain woods. A gust of wind stirred as dried leaves swirled and coiled around him. In a flash of golden light, his form shifted—where once sat a sluggish turtle, now stood a wizened, wiry old man clad in robes formed of fallen leaves.
Before the young woman, the old man wasted no time before dropping to his knees with a reverent bow.
She regarded him with a faint nod. “Much better. Now, tell me—there exists a Barrier Formation shielding the Realm Gate between the two worlds. With your meager cultivation, how did you manage to cross it?”
“Ah?”
The old turtle blinked before shaking his head. “I was born here. My ancestors have lived in these mountains for countless generations. I know not from when or how.”
She nodded in understanding. “So, you are a descendant of those who fled the Great Escape of the Realms in the distant past.”
Thus, the old turtle recounted his tale in full—how he hibernated within a lake in the mountains, how the spiritual essence of the land had been drained away…
The young woman listened in silence. Her gaze swept over the courtyard, lingering upon the Spirit-Gathering Formation carved into the stone slabs. A glimmer of satisfaction flashed in her eyes.
“Mm. Not bad. Who would have thought that her household already had a functioning Spirit Array? My stay here will be far more comfortable now.”
Then, turning back to the old turtle, she commanded, “You shattered the formation earlier. Your responsibility now is to restore it.”
The old turtle grimaced. “I… I do not know how.”
He hurriedly explained, “This world has long abandoned the path of cultivation. The inheritance of mystical arts is all but lost. In the mountains, I have relied solely on my Turtle Spirit’s Innate Talent to fumble my way through cultivation. Beyond that, I understand little.”
She considered his words before asking, “Can you cook?”
“I cannot.”
“Do you know Dust-Cleansing Arts? Techniques to tidy rooms, wash clothes?”
“I do not…”
“Do you know how to use household appliances? Can you handle a mobile phone or a computer?”
“I do not…”
Her expression darkened. She glanced toward the courtyard pool.
“So, you are useless in all things? Then go and fill that pool with water. Stay inside it. If you are of no other use, you may as well serve as a pet.”
The old turtle: “…”
—
Chen Yan awoke groggily, his head swimming and his throat parched. He barely managed to roll over before realizing that his limbs were weak and drained of energy.
His heart tightened—
[Could it be that misfortune still lingers, creeping upon me once more?!]
Lying there, he swiftly calculated his Fate Circulation.
Huh? His fortune today… was auspicious.
Reaching under his pillow, he fished out his phone and glanced at the time. The moment he saw it, he shot up in bed.
January 1st, 2025. 7:26 AM.
“What the hell?!”
He remembered falling asleep in this inn on December 31st, just past midnight.
Somehow, he had slept through New Year’s Eve entirely?!
He had been unconscious for over twenty hours?! No wonder his body felt so weak—he was simply starving.
Dragging himself up with great effort, he groaned at the thought of food. He had been living off instant noodles for a week straight, and he simply could not bear the thought of another bite.
Taking his phone, he stepped out of the inn and wandered into town, eventually finding a small breakfast stall. There, he ordered a piping hot serving of pork potstickers alongside a bowl of spicy gruel.
On a frigid winter morning, nothing soothed the body like warm, hearty food. With each bite, Chen Yan felt his spirits return.
As he ate, he absently scrolled through his messages.
Among them, Lu Si Si had sent him quite a few.
She had messaged on Christmas, but he had been too deep in seclusion cultivation to respond.
She had messaged again on New Year’s Eve, but he had been unconscious at the time.
The latest message was a hesitant query:
“Chen Yan, am I disturbing you? Do you dislike it when I message you?”
He stared at the screen for a few moments, easily imagining the timid uncertainty in her expression when she had sent it.
After a moment’s thought, he replied:
“I was in secluded training these past few days. I did not check my phone.”
Upon returning to the inn, he sought out the owner and arranged for a long-distance taxi to take him back to Jin Ling Prefecture.
As he waited for the driver, his phone suddenly rang.
He glanced at the caller ID—
It was Hu Shang Ke.
Uh…
With a hint of guilt, he answered the call.
Sure enough, the moment the line connected, a furious roar blasted through the speaker:
“Chen Yan! What the hell did you do to that short-rent house?! Why did the whole damn building collapse?!
You’ve absolutely screwed me over! Do you even realize that?!”
Chen Yan sighed.
“Old Hu, calm down first.”
“How the hell am I supposed to calm down?! The house collapsed, damn it!”
This novel is translated and hosted on Bcatranslation