Chapter 80

Chapter 80: Huo Zheng’s Explanation

Chun Zhi pushed at Huo Zheng, but she could not move him, and he took her mouth in a fierce kiss, sweeping through her breath until she was left unsteady and confused. [I can’t push him away. I can’t even breathe.]

After a long time, when Chun Zhi was almost out of air, Huo Zheng finally let her go.

He held her gaze and spoke in a steady voice: “Chun Zhi, I know you are a good woman. I will not let you insult yourself like that.”

Her lips were a little swollen and her eyes misty. She raised the back of her hand to wipe her mouth, then said with a bitter smile: “We pretended to marry but became husband and wife for real, so what ‘good woman’ am I?”

If she had known he was Prince Chang’an, she would never have dared to fake a marriage with him, not even with a hundred times the courage. Back then, marrying anyone else would have been better than this. But there is no cure for regret. [There is no medicine for regret.]

No matter how sorry she felt now, it would not change anything.

Huo Zheng had already heard from several people of the Song Clan that Chun Zhi had lived in Song Manor for over half a year. Even they could not tell whose child she was carrying. In Dongzhou, Song An Lan’s name was praised everywhere; people called him Great Benefactor Song and said he was a true gentleman. Since he was a gentleman, he would not cross the line with a woman in trouble. Besides, Song An Lan was weak and often ill. Even if he had wanted to, he would not have had the strength.

Thinking this, Huo Zheng lowered his eyes to Chun Zhi’s belly and grew even more certain that the child inside was his. [The child is mine.]

Seeing that he did not believe her, Chun Zhi grew more uneasy. She pulled herself out of his arms, moved to the other side of the carriage, and said: “Believe it or not, the child is not yours.”

Certain the child must be his, Huo Zheng followed her words and said: “Even if the child is not mine, I will raise it.”

“You…” Chun Zhi had not expected him to say that. “You are mad.”

“Yes,” he said as he leaned close again, “I am mad.”

The carriage was fairly spacious, but he was so near that he almost caged her in his arms. With a low voice he said: “From the day you jumped into the river in front of me, I went mad.” [I am mad. I have been mad for a long time.]

If not for Chun Zhi, he would not have killed Prince Ning with his own hands. He would not have run out wounded while his father the Emperor had grounded him, searching everywhere for her. He would not have ridden to Dongzhou despite his men begging, “Your Highness, you must not,” then led soldiers into Song Manor to seize the bride.

“Chun Zhi,” he murmured as he buried his face in the hollow of her neck and felt her warm, living skin, “I do not understand. Why do you insist on leaving me? Why would you rather jump into the river than go back with me?”

For the past half year, whenever he woke in the middle of the night, he would see again how she looked back at him through wind and rain and then leaped into the river. He could not understand why she had to be so final and firm. They had gotten along so well, like the closest little couple in the world.

“You don’t understand?” said Chun Zhi. She leaned on the carriage wall, trying to get farther from him, yet she could still feel his warm breath brushing her face. She forced herself to be calm and asked: “Do you not remember what you said and what you did?”

“I truly do not know,” Huo Zheng said. “Even if you want to leave me, you must tell me clearly.”

He had planned everything: after cleaning up the officials in Nanzhou, he would bring her back to the capital. He had been waiting for the right moment to lay everything out to her. His identity and his feelings, he would hide nothing. But Chun Zhi had not given him the chance. She left without a word.

“Fine,” Chun Zhi said as she pushed him back to make him sit properly. “I will tell you clearly.”

Huo Zheng settled and listened.

She asked: “Do you remember the day the Heir Apparent of Prince Ning came to the tofu workshop? What did you say to him?”

Huo Zheng remembered the day he learned that Huo Yu, the Heir Apparent of Prince Ning, had gone to Peach Blossom Lane to find Chun Zhi. He had dropped everything and galloped straight back to the tofu workshop. When he saw Huo Yu talking with her, his heart shot into his throat. He had been born into power and raised among schemes. Just one look at Huo Yu standing before Chun Zhi, and he knew what Huo Yu was trying to do. All he could think of was how to fool Huo Yu, to make him believe Chun Zhi did not matter to him, so Huo Yu would give up using her as a threat. Then he had said…

“That day the Heir Apparent asked how you would place me,” Chun Zhi said, and even now the memory felt like a stone grinding her heart to pieces. Word by word she said: “You said, ‘A village girl, just a plaything.’ Huo Zheng, I saved your life, kept you at the tofu workshop to heal, cooked for you and sewed for you, and in the end I was only a plaything to you. Now you ask why I left. How can you even ask?”

Huo Zheng fell silent.

So it was because of that sentence. She had heard the words he had said to Huo Yu that day.

“No,” he said in a rough voice as he rushed to explain. “I never took you as a plaything. I said that to Huo Yu only to stop him from using you against me.”

Chun Zhi did not understand the plotting of lords and princes. She only knew that she was a village woman and he was a royal prince. Their stations were far apart and should never have been tangled together. She said: “If you had even half a true heart, why did you hide your identity? You watched me labor every day for money while I bragged I would support you. Did you find that funny?”

For a moment, Huo Zheng could not speak. He was born noble and raised in a high, splendid hall where one misstep meant a fall with no return. He had long forgotten how to trust anyone fully. He had hidden the truth from Chun Zhi because deep down he trusted no one but himself. He had not expected, in this life, to meet someone as true as her. What should have been caution in front of others became all the things he should never have done to her.

“It was my fault,” he said at last with his head lowered. “But, Chun Zhi, you have never been my plaything. You are the person I want to spend my life with.”

Love can start without warning and only grow deeper. From the moment he thought about bringing Chun Zhi back to be a cook, he had already fallen into the sea of love, though he himself did not know yet that she would root so deep in his heart. If he had known how much he would love her, he would have told her his true identity long ago and explained his plans for the future. But there is no “if only.”

Chun Zhi had never imagined that the sentence that drove her away had been said to protect her, or that Huo Zheng wanted to spend his life with her. She told herself again and again, [Do not soften. You must not soften.] Their stations were worlds apart. There could be no good ending. She could not let Huo Zheng have the chance to take the child.

“It is too late,” she said to him in a steady voice. “Huo Zheng, everything is too late. I already like Song An Lan. I only wish to have children with him and spend my life with him.”